every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
