After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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