I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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