WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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