The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
