I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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