I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Princesses don't give blow jobs
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
