i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
