I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
