He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
They are going to name an STD after you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
