They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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