Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
