There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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