My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
