Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My dick has a subreddit
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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