Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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