So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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