I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
