He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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