This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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