Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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