I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
BRING THE BAGELS
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
