just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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