Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
