The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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