I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
