it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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