The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
