If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
