I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize