I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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