The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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