Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize