Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i think my cat just said my name.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
