Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
