Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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