just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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