you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
