All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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