Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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