i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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