i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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