I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
