and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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