I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
