I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i think my cat just said my name.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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