Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
