i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The feeling are messing with the penis
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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