Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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