Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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