Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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