i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
