Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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